Photo by Robert Anasch on Unsplash
I have loved M&M’s since childhood. Every Sunday on our way home from church, my Paw Paw would make a stop at a nearby convenience store and treat me to a pack that I made last the entire week!
As an adult, I’ll still grab a bag occasionally, but they certainly don’t last me a week! One day, while eating a small snack pack, which works best given my lack of self-control, I noticed that there were no blue ones! There were lots of other colors, but not one blue! Hmmm. I shrugged my shoulders and out of my mouth came these words…”Sometimes, there is no blue M&M.” Now, hold onto that!
As I reflect on my lifetime of adult relationships, I recognize that unclear and unmet expectations tended to be at the root of most of the serious conflicts. I’ve learned to better manage my expectations by coming to terms with this simple yet poignant truth; a person can’t give you what they don’t have. For example, a person who does not value truth, cannot participate truthfully in a relationship. A person who doesn’t respect their money, will not be respectful in spending yours. A selfish person, cannot understand that in loving others we are sometimes inconvenienced.
“Sometimes you don’t need an explanation, it is what it is.”
I facilitated an empowerment session with a group of phenomenal women. My assigned topic was Dealing with Unmet Expectations. I chose to tackle this topic through an interactive activity. I am a teacher by divine design and training so interactive facilitation is my love.
Everyone except one person, received a baggie of M&M’s of all colors including blue. I explained to the ladies that I really needed a blue M&M and asked them to just share one with me. Of course, everyone willingly shared. One of the ladies wanted to give me all of her blue M&M’s, bless her heart! But I stressed that I only needed one. After everyone had shared, I asked for a blue M&M from the woman who did not have one. I made several requests, each one louder and more intense. I even had a fake temper tantrum and told the woman, who was also a friend of mine, that I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t give me one blue M&M, especially given our relationship. She and the other ladies looked at me as if I were crazy. I’m sure they were all saying to themselves, “Can’t she see that her friend doesn’t have a blue M&M?” Finally, my friend said, “If I had one, I’d give you one.”
The bottom line is this, she couldn’t give me what she did not have. Surely, we’ve all heard someone in our lifetime remind us that “You can’t get blood from a turnip.” But it was the demonstration that made the light bulb come on! And so it is with relationships. People can’t give you what they don’t have. Much to our chagrin, there are times when we have to face the fact that there is no blue M&M. The Blue M&M may be integrity, honesty, loyalty, reciprocity, commitment, trust, appreciation, respect, or the ability to say “I’m sorry!” The blue M&M may also be a promotion, a raise, or a partnership. As you can see, the blue M&M is person-relationship-specific.
When there is no blue M&M you must identify your options.
Sometimes, the person will do what it takes to obtain the blue M&M you need and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they can’t do what it takes to give you the blue M&M. In our wrap discussion, one of the participants threw out a different angle; they may have a blue M&M, but because they won’t give it to you, it’s as if they don’t have it. Either way, you’re left with identifying your options which can include enjoying the M&M’s you have.
Always encouraging reflection,
WandaP
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