I Know You Hear Me....but are you listening?

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In my two-decade tenure as an educator, mentor, and parent coach, I’ve observed that a vital aspect of effective communication is often deficient. That particular aspect is the art of listening!

Listening requires being attentive, taking note of, taking into consideration, and processing the message. It encompasses listening for the spoken and unspoken messages.

Hearing on the other hand is simply the ability to perceive sound.

My grandson had terrible bouts with ear infections when he was younger and those infections caused him not to hear well. We could tell, from either his delayed or lack of response to our voice that he was most likely not hearing us. So we helped him by providing face-to-face attention, touching our ear, and asking, do you hear me? When he let us know that he did, we then restated the message. Well, he’s three now, ear infections are pretty much behind us, and hears perfectly.

But now, our issue isn’t hearing, it’s listening. We’ll need him to transition or follow a directive and he doesn’t budge. So, we would ask, do you hear me and guess what, he says yes. So now we ask, what did I say? If he can tell us, we know he’s listening and choosing to do his thing. But if he can’t tell us, we know that he didn’t listen; something else had his auditory, visual, and/or tactile focus, i.e. play!

So, toddlers are distracted by play, while adults are distracted by a myriad of things which makes listening, an important variable in quality communication, difficult and ineffective.

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” ~Bryant H. McGill

Here are the attributes I value in a High-Quality Listener.

A High-Quality Listener….

• Approaches the conversation with receptivity and has the desire to understand what is being said versus being ready to “load up” on the individual.
  

• Asks questions genuinely to understand what is being said.

• Recognizes that their viewpoints and biases could distract from the genuine message being conveyed.
  

• Maintains meaningful eye contact and is attuned to their body language, facial expressions, and vocal intonations.
  

• Is also attentive to the nuances of the conversation as s/he is observant of the facial expressions, body language, and vocal intonations of the communicator or conversation partner.
  

• Allows the communicator ample time to articulate their thoughts and feelings. Remember, listening requires less bandwidth than speaking.
  

• The listener anticipates the communicator or conversation partner to say things differently than they would and perhaps use a language different from theirs encompassing various forms like colloquialisms, slang, African American Vernacular English, broken English, Gullah, and more given that fact that we are a global society.
  

• Receives the entire message before giving a response and refrains from interrupting with premature answers.
  

• Effectively handles distractions and interruptions during the conversation due to the value they place on the interaction.

As you know, one of the reasons I write is to encourage reflection so here’s a question for honest contemplation. Do you consider yourself to be a High-Quality Listener with your clients, colleagues, spouse or partner, and your children?

Always encouraging reflection,

WandaP